The Gorgeous Radiant Jessica Alba has always had one major flaw...she doesn't smile! I swear I tried to dance naked for her, I gave her a picture of little kittens, I even gave her boyfriend a manual about how to please a girl, but still no smiles. Today we finally figured out what makes the miserable starlet smile...others pain and misery.

The Prego superstar erupted with joy when the cops came to beat down the paparazzi. Now I know what I must do to win her over...I must give her friends crabs. If I do that she will be in glee because of their misery. Don't worry my dear I will keep that smile on your face, even if I have to give every girl a butt load of STD's...I know I am a catch.

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